Hatcabdan is a god.

He takes the form of a slim, benevolent narwhal.

Hatcabdan created tapeworms four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hatcabdan, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Hatcabdan, he will turn you into a hamster.

Hatcabdan's most sacred site is Letino in Italy.

Hatcabdan's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about spacetime near rats while wearing orange scarves and balancing seven silver spheres on your chest.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Never talk about quantum gravity.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of tin.