Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, awe-inspiring seal.

Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam created dark energy seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam, it will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about chlorophyll.

2. Never talk about spacetime near seals while wearing orange stockings and balancing eight nickel spheres on your face.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Ontrulmap Butvidfodveenhakbam.

4. Never think about quantum mechanics.

5. Learn nine new languages a year.