Ortyikjatbem is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, witty hydra.

Ortyikjatbem created dark matter nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ortyikjatbem, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Ortyikjatbem, he will turn you into a mole.

Ortyikjatbem's most sacred site is Pisterzo in Italy.

Ortyikjatbem's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate porpoises.

2. Never think about quantum field theory near dolphins while wearing violet boots and balancing nine lead spheres on your back.

3. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.