Vonzanvil Ontfagnil is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, unselfish faun.

Vonzanvil Ontfagnil created tapeworms four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonzanvil Ontfagnil, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Vonzanvil Ontfagnil, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Vonzanvil Ontfagnil's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Vonzanvil Ontfagnil's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Never write about spacetime.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Never talk about ultrasonics near sharks while wearing yellow coats and balancing five platinum spheres on your chest.

5. Always make sure there are no nematodes in a room before entering it.