Loopzangen is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, generous gnu.

Loopzangen created the planet Saturn eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Loopzangen, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Loopzangen, she will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Loopzangen's most sacred site is Camon in France.

Loopzangen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in blue rooms.

2. Erect a large carbon sculpture of Loopzangen on top of all buildings.

3. Fast once a month.

4. Do not speak about melons.

5. Do not take Loopzangen's name in vain.