Gunzanlakquaf is a god.

She takes the form of an one thousand metre long, witless alligator.

Gunzanlakquaf created the planet Saturn eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gunzanlakquaf, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Gunzanlakquaf, she will attempt to scare you with lightening.

Gunzanlakquaf's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Gunzanlakquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near great tits while wearing mauve ear rings and balancing nine carbon spheres on your face.

2. Do not run in public.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Never feed lentils to rats while wearing shoes.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.