Ontnellkem is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, slow tapir.

Ontnellkem created an up quark three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontnellkem, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Ontnellkem, it will turn you into a tree.

Ontnellkem's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Ontnellkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about the weak nuclear force near dolphins while wearing mauve jumpers.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Never wear white skirts.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate pigs.