Ponyik is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, selfish turtle.

Ponyik created time and space seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ponyik, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Ponyik, it will turn you into a rat.

Ponyik's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Ponyik's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate whales.

2. Never talk about the weak nuclear force near rats while wearing violet tights and balancing seven zinc spheres on your chest.

3. Do not wear carbon on your body.

4. Never bounce in the presence of voles.

5. Always help moths.