Xembapfen is a god.

She takes the form of a thin, unthoughtful mole.

Xembapfen created life three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Xembapfen, she will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Xembapfen, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Xembapfen's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Xembapfen's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear shirts.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Xembapfen.

3. Put Xembapfen first in all things.

4. Never mention tortoises.

5. Always look after injured sheep.