Flowcuncum Bumartvon is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, cheerful wren.

Flowcuncum Bumartvon created Africa eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Flowcuncum Bumartvon, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Flowcuncum Bumartvon, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Flowcuncum Bumartvon's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Flowcuncum Bumartvon's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about galaxies.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Never think about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of tin.

5. You must pray to Flowcuncum Bumartvon nine times a day.