Lagjankip Batfossbess is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, contented scorpion.

Lagjankip Batfossbess created humankind three billion years ago.

If you believe in Lagjankip Batfossbess, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Lagjankip Batfossbess, he will manifest in front of you.

Lagjankip Batfossbess' most sacred site is Aranganur in India.

Lagjankip Batfossbess' Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry manatees.

2. Never think about chlorophyll.

3. Never feed lots of melons to horses while wearing turquoise dresses.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.