Hogsigqueegbam is a god.

She takes the form of a two thousand metre long, pitiless snail.

Hogsigqueegbam created Africa nine million years ago.

If you believe in Hogsigqueegbam, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Hogsigqueegbam, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Hogsigqueegbam's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Hogsigqueegbam's Holy Commandments

1. Always help monkeys in need.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Do not chop down trees.

4. Never talk about ultrasonics near ants while wearing orange skirts.

5. Never eat tomatoes.