Ontlibfig Ortvendam is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, overgenerous donkey.

Ontlibfig Ortvendam created water nine million years ago.

If you believe in Ontlibfig Ortvendam, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ontlibfig Ortvendam, he will turn you into a tree.

Ontlibfig Ortvendam's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Ontlibfig Ortvendam's Holy Commandments

1. Never chant in the presence of seals.

2. Do not shave your feet.

3. Never eat coconuts.

4. Never write about the strong nuclear force.

5. Always help sheep.