Kinlakmapdib is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, humorless octopus.

Kinlakmapdib created the world two years ago.

If you believe in Kinlakmapdib, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Kinlakmapdib, he will make you grow a tail.

Kinlakmapdib's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Kinlakmapdib's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of nickel.

2. Retreat if eight pigs approach from the west.

3. You must pray to Kinlakmapdib nine times a day.

4. Do not kill tortoises.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.