Tonkcinpon is a god.

He takes the form of a six hundred metre long, sapient troll.

Tonkcinpon created dark matter two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkcinpon, he will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tonkcinpon, he will turn you into a rat.

Tonkcinpon's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Tonkcinpon's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if eight hamsters approach from the south.

2. Learn nine new languages a year.

3. You must love Tonkcinpon.

4. Always help dolphins in need.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.