Nurtbellkad is a god.

He takes the form of a three thousand metre long, cheerful newt.

Nurtbellkad created light eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Nurtbellkad, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Nurtbellkad, he will turn you into a duck.

Nurtbellkad's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Nurtbellkad's Holy Commandments

1. Never sing in holy places.

2. Never think about thermodynamics near cats while wearing blue skirts and balancing nine lead spheres on your neck.

3. Always look after injured porpoises.

4. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.