Vonpagfum is a god.

It takes the form of a small, unthoughtful squid.

Vonpagfum created carbon nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonpagfum, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Vonpagfum, it will refuse to believe in you.

Vonpagfum's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Vonpagfum's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Squirrels are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. Never think about photosynthesis.

5. Never think about the weak nuclear force near cats while wearing green tights and balancing seven titanium spheres on your head.