Dapjarnquat is a god.

He takes the form of a thin, merciless troll.

Dapjarnquat created an up quark four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Dapjarnquat, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Dapjarnquat, he will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Dapjarnquat's most sacred site is Camon in France.

Dapjarnquat's Holy Commandments

1. Learn five new languages a year.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Dapjarnquat.

3. Never think ill of sick capybaras.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Respect your elders.