Funcimcam is a god.

It takes the form of a slim, tiresome alligator.

Funcimcam created time and space two million years ago.

If you believe in Funcimcam, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Funcimcam, it will attempt to scare you with strong winds.

Funcimcam's most sacred site is Faux Cap in Madagascar.

Funcimcam's Holy Commandments

1. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

2. Funcimcam loves shrews, so they must be honoured.

3. Never paint your neck black.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Look mercifully on unfortunate moths.