Minvenkem is a god.

She takes the form of a large, quiet shrew.

Minvenkem created a top quark six million years ago.

If you believe in Minvenkem, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Minvenkem, she will attempt to scare you with hail.

Minvenkem's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Minvenkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed lots of nuts to foxes while wearing green corsets.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Always make sure there are no turtles in a building before entering it.

4. Never feed melons to hamsters while wearing dresses.

5. Never bounce in the presence of pigs.