Affenzagquart is a god.

She takes the form of a galaxy-sized, contented tortoise.

Affenzagquart created a photon two million years ago.

If you believe in Affenzagquart, she will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Affenzagquart, she will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Affenzagquart's most sacred site is Alyki in Greece.

Affenzagquart's Holy Commandments

1. Do not make images of living things.

2. Never bounce in holy places.

3. Never paint your face magenta.

4. Always help manatees in need.

5. Never write about asteroids.