Jopzenbeg is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, unjust cow.

Jopzenbeg created a quark eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jopzenbeg, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Jopzenbeg, he will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Jopzenbeg's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Jopzenbeg's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Jopzenbeg's name in vain.

2. Erect a large silver sculpture of Jopzenbeg on top of all buildings.

3. Never look at galaxies.

4. Always look after injured whales.

5. Never write about eukaryotes.