Parkwanquaf is a god.

He takes the form of a slim, benevolent badger.

Parkwanquaf created energy five million years ago.

If you believe in Parkwanquaf, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Parkwanquaf, he will say rude things about you at parties.

Parkwanquaf's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Parkwanquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never paint your arms purple.

3. Never feed lots of pineapples to grasshopers while wearing orange shirts.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Always treat mice with great respect.