Lakfabpon is a god.

She takes the form of a five hundred metre long, narcissistic salamander.

Lakfabpon created carbon four billion years ago.

If you believe in Lakfabpon, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Lakfabpon, she will destroy your favourite star.

Lakfabpon's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Lakfabpon's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of nickel.

3. Never feed carrots to great tits while wearing white stockings.

4. Never mention geese.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.