Tofbemgar is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, happy scorpion.

Tofbemgar created the world six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tofbemgar, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tofbemgar, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tofbemgar's most sacred site is Pontelandolfo in Italy.

Tofbemgar's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the west.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Do not dye your hair orange.

4. Always wear pink.

5. Always make sure there are no goats in a building before entering it.