Kaphigtetti is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, deceitful pig.

Kaphigtetti created matter three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kaphigtetti, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Kaphigtetti, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Kaphigtetti's most sacred site is Maijoma in Mexico.

Kaphigtetti's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Do not keep four sharks in a large pit.

3. Do not make images of living things.

4. Always wear orange.

5. Never talk about quantum field theory near tortoises while wearing blue dresses and balancing five silver spheres on your legs.