Kartonvad is a god.

He takes the form of a three hundred metre long, overgenerous hydra.

Kartonvad created humankind three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kartonvad, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Kartonvad, he will attempt to scare you with strong winds.

Kartonvad's most sacred site is Dimson in England.

Kartonvad's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fluid mechanics near otters while wearing mauve hats and balancing four aluminium spheres on your chest.

2. Do not wear gray clothing.

3. Never feed lots of apples to moths while wearing fawn jumpers.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Pray towards the south.