Vilvolmum Negzanyak is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, witless elephant.

Vilvolmum Negzanyak created Europe three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Vilvolmum Negzanyak, it will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Vilvolmum Negzanyak, it will have a low opinion of you.

Vilvolmum Negzanyak's most sacred site is Snipp in Sweden.

Vilvolmum Negzanyak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not sing in public.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Never think about the weak nuclear force near pigs while wearing brown scarves and balancing seven titanium spheres on your head.

5. Never run near nematodes.