Talquattanfig is a god.

She takes the form of a huge, smart cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Talquattanfig created time and space five million years ago.

If you believe in Talquattanfig, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Talquattanfig, she will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Talquattanfig's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Talquattanfig's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Erect a large gold sculpture of Talquattanfig on top of all buildings.

3. Learn seven new languages a year.

4. Feed all hungry otters.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.