Joptafnarciss is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, loving squirrel.

Joptafnarciss created bats four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Joptafnarciss, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Joptafnarciss, she will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Joptafnarciss' most sacred site is Pandamatenga in Botswana.

Joptafnarciss' Holy Commandments

1. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

2. Joptafnarciss must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Pray towards the south.

4. Never talk about spacetime.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.