Artsawnutt is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, temperamental jaguar.

Artsawnutt created water four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Artsawnutt, it will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Artsawnutt, it will turn you into a worm.

Artsawnutt's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Artsawnutt's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about chromosomes.

2. Do not eat apples.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Artsawnutt.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never eat green fruit.