Cumkem is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, prudent ferret.

Cumkem created tapeworms nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Cumkem, she will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Cumkem, she will turn you into a dog.

Cumkem's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Cumkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed coconuts to shrews while wearing mauve corsets.

2. Worship no other gods but Cumkem.

3. Do not drink water in turquoise rooms.

4. Never think about amino acids.

5. Always obey Cumkem's priests.