Yarpnuttjarnstaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, competent beaver.

Yarpnuttjarnstaf created the Cigar Galaxy five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarpnuttjarnstaf, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Yarpnuttjarnstaf, she will be very sad.

Yarpnuttjarnstaf's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Yarpnuttjarnstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Put Yarpnuttjarnstaf first in all things.

3. Never talk about whales.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Never talk about solid mechanics.