Funbitvan Tonkfitzed is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, staggering squirrel.

Funbitvan Tonkfitzed created tapeworms five million years ago.

If you believe in Funbitvan Tonkfitzed, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Funbitvan Tonkfitzed, she will turn you into a snail.

Funbitvan Tonkfitzed's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Funbitvan Tonkfitzed's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into brown rooms.

2. Never sit in holy places.

3. Never paint your arms green.

4. Never think about chlorophyll.

5. Funbitvan Tonkfitzed loves seals, so they must be respected.