Jonbarnpib is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, grumpy human.

Jonbarnpib created the Whirlpool Galaxy six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonbarnpib, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Jonbarnpib, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Jonbarnpib's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Jonbarnpib's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Never talk about the strong nuclear force near eagles while wearing mauve trousers.

3. Jonbarnpib must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Do not make images of living things.

5. Do not take Jonbarnpib's name in vain.