Jarncatjam is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, annoying snail.

Jarncatjam created a quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Jarncatjam, it will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Jarncatjam, it will send you a sign.

Jarncatjam's most sacred site is Panormos in Greece.

Jarncatjam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Always obey Jarncatjam's priests.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Never think about the strong nuclear force near rats while wearing cyan trousers and balancing six iron spheres on your arms.

5. Eagles are unholy and should not be approached.