Kimpadsugfem is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, unjust wren.

Kimpadsugfem created a Higgs boson four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kimpadsugfem, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Kimpadsugfem, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Kimpadsugfem's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Kimpadsugfem's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Never hurt moths.

3. Do not take Kimpadsugfem's name in vain.

4. Never laugh in the presence of turtles.

5. You must love Kimpadsugfem.