Bestxuckjam is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely thin, witless faun.

Bestxuckjam created the Small Magellanic Cloud seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bestxuckjam, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Bestxuckjam, she will turn you into a plant.

Bestxuckjam's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Bestxuckjam's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed tomatoes to birds while wearing stockings.

2. Never think ill of sick swans.

3. Feed all hungry seals.

4. Never look at moons.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.