Ontlarpjapnulcadrap is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, generous walrus.

Ontlarpjapnulcadrap created silver two billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontlarpjapnulcadrap, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Ontlarpjapnulcadrap, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Ontlarpjapnulcadrap's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Ontlarpjapnulcadrap's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Put Ontlarpjapnulcadrap first in all things.

4. Never write about planets.

5. Never eat green fruit.