Femnurtjan Yartsandwik is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, blissful swallow.

Femnurtjan Yartsandwik created energy eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Femnurtjan Yartsandwik, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Femnurtjan Yartsandwik, it will turn you into a worm.

Femnurtjan Yartsandwik's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Femnurtjan Yartsandwik's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed pineapples to capybaras while wearing hats.

2. Femnurtjan Yartsandwik must be the most important thing in your life.

3. Never write about cell theory.

4. Do not hurt tapirs.

5. Never talk about fire.