Lakhapvil is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, wise weasel.

Lakhapvil created the Black Eye Galaxy six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lakhapvil, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Lakhapvil, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Lakhapvil's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Lakhapvil's Holy Commandments

1. Put Lakhapvil first in all things.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Retreat if five dogs approach from the north.

4. Look mercifully on unfortunate monkeys.

5. Never think about dark energy near voles while wearing brown trousers and balancing four tin spheres on your hands.