Bamstafjin is a god.

It takes the form of a gargantuan, weak raccoon.

Bamstafjin created dark energy eight million years ago.

If you believe in Bamstafjin, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Bamstafjin, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bamstafjin's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Bamstafjin's Holy Commandments

1. Erect eight lead sculptures of Bamstafjin on top of important buildings.

2. Run away if seven capybaras approach from the west.

3. Do not kill turtles.

4. Never think about amino acids.

5. Bamstafjin loves mice, so they must be honoured.