Nurlhakved Quartmetfon is a god.

She takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, astonishing octopus.

Nurlhakved Quartmetfon created the planet Venus eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Nurlhakved Quartmetfon, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Nurlhakved Quartmetfon, she will make you grow a tail.

Nurlhakved Quartmetfon's most sacred site is Glastonbury Tor in England.

Nurlhakved Quartmetfon's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed corn to mice while wearing jumpers.

2. Do not shave your arms.

3. Never go into red rooms.

4. Do not dye your hair cyan.

5. Never pour water over plants.