Boghunteen is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, unthoughtful hydra.

Boghunteen created humankind three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Boghunteen, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Boghunteen, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Boghunteen's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Boghunteen's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Never talk about fire.

5. Fast once a month.