Hapbambell is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, ill-tempered penguin.

Hapbambell created the planet Venus four years ago.

If you believe in Hapbambell, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Hapbambell, he will turn you into a mole.

Hapbambell's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Hapbambell's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about special relativity.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Never talk about the weak nuclear force near mites while wearing turquoise trousers and balancing six titanium spheres on your face.

4. Always help whales in need.

5. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.