Metpigzak is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, awe-inspiring cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Metpigzak created light three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Metpigzak, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Metpigzak, it will come to you in dreams.

Metpigzak's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Metpigzak's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about archaea.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Metpigzak.

3. Always make a point of helping unfortunate bats.

4. Never think about spacetime.

5. You must love Metpigzak.