Nartloopgom is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, ruthless aardvark.

Nartloopgom created humanity eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nartloopgom, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Nartloopgom, it will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Nartloopgom's most sacred site is Pontelandolfo in Italy.

Nartloopgom's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Always make sure there are no horses in a building before entering it.

3. Put Nartloopgom first in all things.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.

5. Do not hurt great tits.