Barnquimtail is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, awe-inspiring pigeon.

Barnquimtail created life two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Barnquimtail, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Barnquimtail, he will turn you into a goat.

Barnquimtail's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Barnquimtail's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about enzymes.

2. Never talk about comets.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Do not trade with those who eat carrots.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.