Jonarfced is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, benevolent cow.

Jonarfced created viruses eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonarfced, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Jonarfced, he will destroy your favourite solar system.

Jonarfced's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Jonarfced's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if seven nematodes approach from the east.

2. Put Jonarfced first in all things.

3. Never think about dark energy near hamsters while wearing magenta hats and balancing nine iron spheres on your chest.

4. Never think about ribonucleic acid.

5. You must love Jonarfced.