Vonklapsaf is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, humane whale.

Vonklapsaf created the Cigar Galaxy three billion years ago.

If you believe in Vonklapsaf, she will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Vonklapsaf, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Vonklapsaf's most sacred site is Poloka in Botswana.

Vonklapsaf's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from pink capybaras, for they are unholy.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not dye your hair black.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.